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How Carbon-14 Dating Works

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The atomic number corresponds to the number of protons in an atom. By contrast, radiocarbon dating provided the first objective dating method—the ability to attach approximate numerical dates to organic remains. For example, rivers that pass over , which is mostly composed of , will acquire carbonate ions.

It provides more accurate dating within sites than previous methods, which usually derived either from stratigraphy or from typologies e. Subsequently, a sample from the fossil forest was used in an interlaboratory test, with results provided by over 70 laboratories.

Carbon-14 dating - For example, a jar starting with all 14C atoms at time zero will contain half 14C atoms and half 14N atoms at the end of 5,730 years one half-life. The interpretation of past events is in question.

Radiocarbon dating also referred to as carbon dating or carbon-14 dating is a method to of an object containing by using the properties of , a radioactive. The method was developed in the late 1940s by , who received the for his work in 1960. It is based on the fact that radiocarbon 14 C is constantly being created in the atmosphere by the interaction of with atmospheric. The resulting 14 C combines with atmospheric to form radioactive , which is incorporated into plants by ; animals then acquire 14 C by eating the plants. When the animal or plant dies, it stops exchanging carbon with its environment, and from that point onwards the amount of 14 C it contains begins to decrease as the 14 C undergoes. Measuring the amount of 14 C in a sample from a dead plant or animal such as a piece of wood or a fragment of bone provides information that can be used to calculate when the animal or plant died. The older a sample is, the less 14 C there is to be detected, and because the of 14 C the period of time after which half of a given sample will have decayed is about 5,730 years, the oldest dates that can be reliably measured by this process date to around 50,000 years ago, although special preparation methods occasionally permit accurate analysis of older samples. Research has been ongoing since the 1960s to determine what the proportion of 14 C in the atmosphere has been over the past fifty thousand years. The resulting data, in the form of a calibration curve, is now used to convert a given measurement of radiocarbon in a sample into an estimate of the sample's calendar age. Other corrections must be made to account for the proportion of 14 C in different types of organisms fractionation , and the varying levels of 14 C throughout the reservoir effects. Additional complications come from the burning of fossil fuels such as coal and oil, and from the above-ground nuclear tests done in the 1950s and 1960s. Because the time it takes to convert biological materials to is substantially longer than the time it takes for its 14 C to decay below detectable levels, fossil fuels contain almost no 14 C, and as a result there was a noticeable drop in the proportion of 14 C in the atmosphere beginning in the late 19th century. Conversely, nuclear testing increased the amount of 14 C in the atmosphere, which attained a maximum in about 1965 of almost twice what it had been before the testing began. Measurement of radiocarbon was originally done by beta-counting devices, which counted the amount of emitted by decaying 14 C atoms in a sample. More recently, has become the method of choice; it counts all the 14 C atoms in the sample and not just the few that happen to decay during the measurements; it can therefore be used with much smaller samples as small as individual plant seeds , and gives results much more quickly. The development of radiocarbon dating has had a profound impact on. In addition to permitting more accurate dating within archaeological sites than previous methods, it allows comparison of dates of events across great distances. Radiocarbon dating has allowed key transitions in prehistory to be dated, such as the end of the , and the beginning of the and in different regions. History In 1939, and of the began experiments to determine if any of the elements common in organic matter had isotopes with half-lives long enough to be of value in biomedical research. They synthesized 14 C using the laboratory's cyclotron accelerator and soon discovered that the atom's was far longer than had been previously thought. This was followed by a prediction by , then employed at the in , that the interaction of with 14 N in the upper atmosphere would create 14 C. It had previously been thought that 14 C would be more likely to be created by interacting with 13 C. At some time during World War II, , who was then at Berkeley, learned of Korff's research and conceived the idea that it might be possible to use radiocarbon for dating. In 1945, Libby moved to the where he began his work on radiocarbon dating. He published a paper in 1946 in which he proposed that the carbon in living matter might include 14 C as well as non-radioactive carbon. Libby and several collaborators proceeded to experiment with collected from sewage works in Baltimore, and after their samples they were able to demonstrate that they contained 14 C. By contrast, methane created from petroleum showed no radiocarbon activity because of its age. The results were summarized in a paper in in 1947, in which the authors commented that their results implied it would be possible to date materials containing carbon of organic origin. Libby and proceeded to test the radiocarbon dating theory by analyzing samples with known ages. For example, two samples taken from the tombs of two Egyptian kings, and , independently dated to 2625 BC plus or minus 75 years, were dated by radiocarbon measurement to an average of 2800 BC plus or minus 250 years. These results were published in Science in 1949. Within 11 years of their announcement, more than 20 radiocarbon dating laboratories had been set up worldwide. In 1960, Libby was awarded the for this work. The half-life of 14 C the time it takes for half of a given amount of 14 C to is about 5,730 years, so its concentration in the atmosphere might be expected to reduce over thousands of years, but 14 C is constantly being produced in the lower and upper , primarily by galactic , and to a lesser degree by solar cosmic rays. These generate neutrons that in turn create 14 C when they strike 14 N atoms. Once produced, the 14 C quickly combines with the oxygen in the atmosphere to form first carbon monoxide CO , and ultimately carbon dioxide CO 2. Animals eat the plants, and ultimately the radiocarbon is distributed throughout the. The ratio of 14 C to 12 C is approximately 1. In addition, about 1% of the carbon atoms are of the stable isotope 13 C. Principles During its life, a plant or animal is in equilibrium with its surroundings by exchanging carbon either with the atmosphere, or through its diet. It will therefore have the same proportion of 14 C as the atmosphere, or in the case of marine animals or plants, with the ocean. Once it dies, it ceases to acquire 14 C, but the 14 C within its biological material at that time will continue to decay, and so the ratio of 14 C to 12 C in its remains will gradually decrease. Because 14 C decays at a known rate, the proportion of radiocarbon can be used to determine how long it has been since a given sample stopped exchanging carbon — the older the sample, the less 14 C will be left. Measurement of N, the number of 14 C atoms currently in the sample, allows the calculation of t, the age of the sample, using the equation above. The currently accepted value for the half-life of 14 C is 5,730 ± 40 years. This means that after 5,730 years, only half of the initial 14 C will remain; a quarter will remain after 11,460 years; an eighth after 17,190 years; and so on. The above calculations make several assumptions, such as that the level of 14 C in the atmosphere has remained constant over time. In fact, the level of 14 C in the atmosphere has varied significantly and as a result the values provided by the equation above have to be corrected by using data from other sources. This is done by calibration curves discussed below , which convert a measurement of 14 C in a sample into an estimated calendar age. Calculating radiocarbon ages also requires the value of the half-life for 14 C. In Libby's 1949 paper he used a value of 5720 ± 47 years, based on research by Engelkemeir et al. This was remarkably close to the modern value, but shortly afterwards the accepted value was revised to 5568 ± 30 years, and this value was in use for more than a decade. It was revised again in the early 1960s to 5,730 ± 40 years, which meant that many calculated dates in papers published prior to this were incorrect the error in the half-life is about 3%. Since the calibration curve IntCal also reports past atmospheric 14 C concentration using this conventional age, any conventional ages calibrated against the IntCal curve will produce a correct calibrated age. When a date is quoted, the reader should be aware that if it is an uncalibrated date a term used for dates given in radiocarbon years it may differ substantially from the best estimate of the actual calendar date, both because it uses the wrong value for the half-life of 14 C, and because no correction calibration has been applied for the historical variation of 14 C in the atmosphere over time. Carbon exchange reservoir Simplified version of the carbon exchange reservoir, showing proportions of carbon and relative activity of the 14 C in each reservoir Carbon is distributed throughout the atmosphere, the biosphere, and the oceans; these are referred to collectively as the carbon exchange reservoir, and each component is also referred to individually as a carbon exchange reservoir. The different elements of the carbon exchange reservoir vary in how much carbon they store, and in how long it takes for the 14 C generated by cosmic rays to fully mix with them. This affects the ratio of 14 C to 12 C in the different reservoirs, and hence the radiocarbon ages of samples that originated in each reservoir. The atmosphere, which is where 14 C is generated, contains about 1. The ratio of 14 C to 12 C in the atmosphere is taken as the baseline for the other reservoirs: if another reservoir has a lower ratio of 14 C to 12 C, it indicates that the carbon is older and hence that either some of the 14 C has decayed, or the reservoir is receiving carbon that is not at the atmospheric baseline. The ocean surface is an example: it contains 2. The time it takes for carbon from the atmosphere to mix with the surface ocean is only a few years, but the surface waters also receive water from the deep ocean, which has more than 90% of the carbon in the reservoir. Water in the deep ocean takes about 1,000 years to circulate back through surface waters, and so the surface waters contain a combination of older water, with depleted 14 C, and water recently at the surface, with 14 C in equilibrium with the atmosphere. These organisms contain about 1. There are several other possible sources of error that need to be considered. The went into effect on 10 October 1963. To verify the accuracy of the method, several artefacts that were datable by other techniques were tested; the results of the testing were in reasonable agreement with the true ages of the objects. Over time, however, discrepancies began to appear between the known chronology for the oldest Egyptian dynasties and the radiocarbon dates of Egyptian artefacts. The question was resolved by the : comparison of overlapping series of tree rings allowed the construction of a continuous sequence of tree-ring data that spanned 8,000 years. Since that time the tree-ring data series has been extended to 13,900 years. In the 1960s, was able to use the tree-ring sequence to show that the dates derived from radiocarbon were consistent with the dates assigned by Egyptologists. These curves are described in more detail. Coal and oil began to be burned in large quantities during the 19th century. Dating an object from the early 20th century hence gives an apparent date older than the true date. For the same reason, 14 C concentrations in the neighbourhood of large cities are lower than the atmospheric average. This fossil fuel effect also known as the Suess effect, after Hans Suess, who first reported it in 1955 would only amount to a reduction of 0. A much larger effect comes from above-ground nuclear testing, which released large numbers of neutrons and created 14 C. From about 1950 until 1963, when atmospheric nuclear testing was banned, it is estimated that several tonnes of 14 C were created. Isotopic fractionation Photosynthesis is the primary process by which carbon moves from the atmosphere into living things. In photosynthetic pathways 12 C is absorbed slightly more easily than 13 C, which in turn is more easily absorbed than 14 C. This effect is known as isotopic fractionation. Because the PDB standard contains an unusually high proportion of 13 C, most measured δ 13C values are negative. At higher temperatures, CO 2 has poor solubility in water, which means there is less CO 2 available for the photosynthetic reactions. Under these conditions, fractionation is reduced, and at temperatures above 14 °C the δ 13C values are correspondingly higher, while at lower temperatures, CO 2 becomes more soluble and hence more available to marine organisms. The δ 13C value for animals depends on their diet. An animal that eats food with high δ 13C values will have a higher δ 13C than one that eats food with lower δ 13C values. The animal's own biochemical processes can also impact the results: for example, both bone minerals and bone collagen typically have a higher concentration of 13 C than is found in the animal's diet, though for different biochemical reasons. The enrichment of bone 13 C also implies that excreted material is depleted in 13 C relative to the diet. Typical values of δ 13C have been found by experiment for many plants, as well as for different parts of animals such as bone , but when dating a given sample it is better to determine the δ 13C value for that sample directly than to rely on the published values. The carbon exchange between atmospheric CO 2 and carbonate at the ocean surface is also subject to fractionation, with 14 C in the atmosphere more likely than 12 C to dissolve in the ocean. This increase in 14 C concentration almost exactly cancels out the decrease caused by the upwelling of water containing old, and hence 14 C depleted, carbon from the deep ocean, so that direct measurements of 14 C radiation are similar to measurements for the rest of the biosphere. Correcting for isotopic fractionation, as is done for all radiocarbon dates to allow comparison between results from different parts of the biosphere, gives an apparent age of about 400 years for ocean surface water. The CO 2 in the atmosphere transfers to the ocean by dissolving in the surface water as carbonate and bicarbonate ions; at the same time the carbonate ions in the water are returning to the air as CO 2. This exchange process brings 14 C from the atmosphere into the surface waters of the ocean, but the 14 C thus introduced takes a long time to percolate through the entire volume of the ocean. The deepest parts of the ocean mix very slowly with the surface waters, and the mixing is uneven. The main mechanism that brings deep water to the surface is upwelling, which is more common in regions closer to the equator. Upwelling is also influenced by factors such as the topography of the local ocean bottom and coastlines, the climate, and wind patterns. Overall, the mixing of deep and surface waters takes far longer than the mixing of atmospheric CO 2 with the surface waters, and as a result water from some deep ocean areas has an apparent radiocarbon age of several thousand years. This effect is not uniform — the average effect is about 400 years, but there are local deviations of several hundred years for areas that are geographically close to each other. These deviations can be accounted for in calibration, and users of software such as CALIB can provide as an input the appropriate correction for the location of their samples. The effect also applies to marine organisms such as shells, and marine mammals such as whales and seals, which have radiocarbon ages that appear to be hundreds of years old. Hemisphere effect The northern and southern hemispheres have systems that are sufficiently independent of each other that there is a noticeable time lag in mixing between the two. This is because the greater surface area of ocean in the southern hemisphere means that there is more carbon exchanged between the ocean and the atmosphere than in the north. Since the surface ocean is depleted in 14 C because of the marine effect, 14 C is removed from the southern atmosphere more quickly than in the north. The effect is strengthened by strong upwelling around Antarctica. For example, rivers that pass over , which is mostly composed of , will acquire carbonate ions. Similarly, groundwater can contain carbon derived from the rocks through which it has passed. This is known as the effect because it is often associated with calcium ions, which are characteristic of hard water; other sources of carbon such as can produce similar results, and can also reduce the apparent age if they are of more recent origin than the sample. The effect varies greatly and there is no general offset that can be applied; additional research is usually needed to determine the size of the offset, for example by comparing the radiocarbon age of deposited freshwater shells with associated organic material. Dormant volcanoes can also emit aged carbon. Contamination Any addition of carbon to a sample of a different age will cause the measured date to be inaccurate. Contamination with modern carbon causes a sample to appear to be younger than it really is: the effect is greater for older samples. If a sample that is 17,000 years old is contaminated so that 1% of the sample is modern carbon, it will appear to be 600 years younger; for a sample that is 34,000 years old the same amount of contamination would cause an error of 4,000 years. Contamination with old carbon, with no remaining 14 C, causes an error in the other direction independent of age — a sample contaminated with 1% old carbon will appear to be about 80 years older than it really is, regardless of the date of the sample. Main article: Samples for dating need to be converted into a form suitable for measuring the 14 C content; this can mean conversion to gaseous, liquid, or solid form, depending on the measurement technique to be used. Before this can be done, the sample must be treated to remove any contamination and any unwanted constituents. This includes removing visible contaminants, such as rootlets that may have penetrated the sample since its burial. Alkali and acid washes can be used to remove humic acid and carbonate contamination, but care has to be taken to avoid removing the part of the sample that contains the carbon to be tested. Charcoal is often tested but is likely to need treatment to remove contaminants. If the bone was heated under , it and associated organic matter may have been carbonized. In this case the sample is often usable. Calcium carbonate is very susceptible to dissolving and recrystallizing; the recrystallized material will contain carbon from the sample's environment, which may be of geological origin. If testing recrystallized shell is unavoidable, it is sometimes possible to identify the original shell material from a sequence of tests. It is also possible to test , an organic protein found in shell, but it constitutes only 1—2% of shell material. Of these, humins give the most reliable date as they are insoluble in alkali and less likely to contain contaminants from the sample's environment. A particular difficulty with dried peat is the removal of rootlets, which are likely to be hard to distinguish from the sample material. It is preferable to sieve the soil for fragments of organic origin, and date the fragments with methods that are tolerant of small sample sizes. Preparation and size Particularly for older samples, it may be useful to enrich the amount of 14 C in the sample before testing. This can be done with a thermal diffusion column. Once contamination has been removed, samples must be converted to a form suitable for the measuring technology to be used. Where gas is required, CO 2 is widely used. For samples to be used in , the carbon must be in liquid form; the sample is typically converted to. For , solid graphite targets are the most common, although gaseous CO 2 can also be used. The quantity of material needed for testing depends on the sample type and the technology being used. There are two types of testing technology: detectors that record radioactivity, known as beta counters, and accelerator mass spectrometers. For beta counters, a sample weighing at least 10 grams 0. Accelerator mass spectrometry is much more sensitive, and samples containing as little as 0. Measuring 14 C is now most commonly done with an accelerator mass spectrometer For decades after Libby performed the first radiocarbon dating experiments, the only way to measure the 14 C in a sample was to detect the radioactive decay of individual carbon atoms. In this approach, what is measured is the activity, in number of decay events per unit mass per time period, of the sample. In the late 1970s an alternative approach became available: directly counting the number of 14 C and 12 C atoms in a given sample, via accelerator mass spectrometry, usually referred to as AMS. For some time, beta counting methods were more accurate than AMS, but AMS is now more accurate and has become the method of choice for radiocarbon measurements. In addition to improved accuracy, AMS has two further significant advantages over beta counting: it can perform accurate testing on samples much too small for beta counting; and it is much faster — an accuracy of 1% can be achieved in minutes with AMS, which is far quicker than would be achievable with the older technology. Beta counting Libby's first detector was a of his own design. He converted the carbon in his sample to lamp black soot and coated the inner surface of a cylinder with it. This cylinder was inserted into the counter in such a way that the counting wire was inside the sample cylinder, in order that there should be no material between the sample and the wire. Any interposing material would have interfered with the detection of radioactivity, since the beta particles emitted by decaying 14 C are so weak that half are stopped by a 0. Libby's method was soon superseded by gas , which were less affected by bomb carbon the additional 14 C created by nuclear weapons testing. These counters record bursts of ionization caused by the beta particles emitted by the decaying 14 C atoms; the bursts are proportional to the energy of the particle, so other sources of ionization, such as background radiation, can be identified and ignored. The counters are surrounded by lead or steel shielding, to eliminate background radiation and to reduce the incidence of cosmic rays. In addition, detectors are used; these record events outside the counter, and any event recorded simultaneously both inside and outside the counter is regarded as an extraneous event and ignored. The other common technology used for measuring 14 C activity is liquid scintillation counting, which was invented in 1950, but which had to wait until the early 1960s, when efficient methods of benzene synthesis were developed, to become competitive with gas counting; after 1970 liquid counters became the more common technology choice for newly constructed dating laboratories. The counters work by detecting flashes of light caused by the beta particles emitted by 14 C as they interact with a fluorescing agent added to the benzene. Like gas counters, liquid scintillation counters require shielding and anticoincidence counters. For both the gas proportional counter and liquid scintillation counter, what is measured is the number of beta particles detected in a given time period. Each measuring device is also used to measure the activity of a blank sample — a sample prepared from carbon old enough to have no activity. This provides a value for the background radiation, which must be subtracted from the measured activity of the sample being dated to get the activity attributable solely to that sample's 14 C. In addition, a sample with a standard activity is measured, to provide a baseline for comparison. The ions are accelerated and passed through a stripper, which removes several electrons so that the ions emerge with a positive charge. The ions, which may have from 1 to 4 positive charges C + to C 4+ , depending on the accelerator design, are then passed through a magnet that curves their path; the heavier ions are curved less than the lighter ones, so the different isotopes emerge as separate streams of ions. A particle detector then records the number of ions detected in the 14 C stream, but since the volume of 12 C and 13 C, needed for calibration is too great for individual ion detection, counts are determined by measuring the electric current created in a. The large positive charge induced by the stripper forces molecules such as 13 CH, which has a weight close enough to 14 C to interfere with the measurements, to dissociate, so they are not detected. Most AMS machines also measure the sample's δ 13C , for use in calculating the sample's radiocarbon age. The use of AMS, as opposed to simpler forms of mass spectrometry, is necessary because of the need to distinguish the carbon isotopes from other atoms or molecules that are very close in mass, such as 14 N and 13 CH. As with beta counting, both blank samples and standard samples are used. Two different kinds of blank may be measured: a sample of dead carbon that has undergone no chemical processing, to detect any machine background, and a sample known as a process blank made from dead carbon that is processed into target material in exactly the same way as the sample which is being dated. Any 14 C signal from the machine background blank is likely to be caused either by beams of ions that have not followed the expected path inside the detector, or by carbon hydrides such as 12 CH 2 or 13 CH. A 14 C signal from the process blank measures the amount of contamination introduced during the preparation of the sample. These measurements are used in the subsequent calculation of the age of the sample. Calculations Main article: The calculations to be performed on the measurements taken depend on the technology used, since beta counters measure the sample's radioactivity whereas AMS determines the ratio of the three different carbon isotopes in the sample. To determine the age of a sample whose activity has been measured by beta counting, the ratio of its activity to the activity of the standard must be found. To determine this, a blank sample of old, or dead, carbon is measured, and a sample of known activity is measured. The additional samples allow errors such as background radiation and systematic errors in the laboratory setup to be detected and corrected for. The most common standard sample material is oxalic acid, such as the HOxII standard, 1,000 lb of which was prepared by the NIST in 1977 from French beet harvests. Both beta counting and AMS results have to be corrected for fractionation. Errors and reliability The reliability of the results can be improved by lengthening the testing time. For example, if counting beta decays for 250 minutes is enough to give an error of ± 80 years, with 68% confidence, then doubling the counting time to 500 minutes will allow a sample with only half as much 14 C to be measured with the same error term of 80 years. Radiocarbon dating is generally limited to dating samples no more than 50,000 years old, as samples older than that have insufficient 14 C to be measurable. Older dates have been obtained by using special sample preparation techniques, large samples, and very long measurement times. These techniques can allow measurement of dates up to 60,000 and in some cases up to 75,000 years before the present. Radiocarbon dates are generally presented with a range of one usually represented by the Greek letter sigma as 1σ on either side of the mean. However, a date range of 1σ represents only 68% confidence level, so the true age of the object being measured may lie outside the range of dates quoted. This was demonstrated in 1970 by an experiment run by the British Museum radiocarbon laboratory, in which weekly measurements were taken on the same sample for six months. The results varied widely though consistently with a of errors in the measurements , and included multiple date ranges of 1σ confidence that did not overlap with each other. The measurements included one with a range from about 4250 to about 4390 years ago, and another with a range from about 4520 to about 4690. Errors in procedure can also lead to errors in the results. If 1% of the benzene in a modern reference sample accidentally evaporates, scintillation counting will give a radiocarbon age that is too young by about 80 years. Calibration The stump of a very old bristlecone pine. Tree rings from these trees among others are used in building calibration curves. The calculations given above produce dates in radiocarbon years: i. Although Libby had pointed out as early as 1955 the possibility that this assumption was incorrect, it was not until discrepancies began to accumulate between measured ages and known historical dates for artefacts that it became clear that a correction would need to be applied to radiocarbon ages to obtain calendar dates. To produce a curve that can be used to relate calendar years to radiocarbon years, a sequence of securely dated samples is needed which can be tested to determine their radiocarbon age. The study of tree rings led to the first such sequence: individual pieces of wood show characteristic sequences of rings that vary in thickness because of environmental factors such as the amount of rainfall in a given year. These factors affect all trees in an area, so examining tree-ring sequences from old wood allows the identification of overlapping sequences. In this way, an uninterrupted sequence of tree rings can be extended far into the past. The first such published sequence, based on bristlecone pine tree rings, was created by. Hans Suess used this data to publish the first calibration curve for radiocarbon dating in 1967. It was unclear for some time whether the wiggles were real or not, but they are now well-established. These short term fluctuations in the calibration curve are now known as de Vries effects, after. A calibration curve is used by taking the radiocarbon date reported by a laboratory, and reading across from that date on the vertical axis of the graph. The point where this horizontal line intersects the curve will give the calendar age of the sample on the horizontal axis. This is the reverse of the way the curve is constructed: a point on the graph is derived from a sample of known age, such as a tree ring; when it is tested, the resulting radiocarbon age gives a data point for the graph. The Northern hemisphere curve from INTCAL13. As of 2014 this is the most recent version of the standard calibration curve. The diagonal line shows where the curve would lie if radiocarbon ages and calendar ages were the same. Over the next thirty years many calibration curves were published using a variety of methods and statistical approaches. These were superseded by the INTCAL series of curves, beginning with INTCAL98, published in 1998, and updated in 2004, 2009, and 2013. The improvements to these curves are based on new data gathered from tree rings, , , plant , , and. The INTCAL13 data includes separate curves for the northern and southern hemispheres, as they differ systematically because of the hemisphere effect. The southern curve SHCAL13 is based on independent data where possible, and derived from the northern curve by adding the average offset for the southern hemisphere where no direct data was available. There is also a separate marine calibration curve, MARINE13. For a set of samples forming a sequence with a known separation in time, these samples form a subset of the calibration curve. The sequence can be compared to the calibration curve and the best match to the sequence established. Wiggle-matching can be used in places where there is a plateau on the calibration curve, and hence can provide a much more accurate date than the intercept or probability methods are able to produce. The technique is not restricted to tree rings; for example, a stratified sequence in New Zealand, known to predate human colonization of the islands, has been dated to 1314 AD ± 12 years by wiggle-matching. The wiggles also mean that reading a date from a calibration curve can give more than one answer: this occurs when the curve wiggles up and down enough that the radiocarbon age intercepts the curve in more than one place, which may lead to a radiocarbon result being reported as two separate age ranges, corresponding to the two parts of the curve that the radiocarbon age intercepted. For example, if a series of radiocarbon dates is taken from different levels in a stratigraphic sequence, Bayesian analysis can be used to evaluate dates which are outliers, and can calculate improved probability distributions, based on the prior information that the sequence should be ordered in time. When Bayesian analysis was introduced, its use was limited by the need to use mainframe computers to perform the calculations, but the technique has since been implemented on programs available for personal computers, such as OxCal. Reporting dates Several formats for citing radiocarbon results have been used since the first samples were dated. As of 2014, the standard format required by the journal is as follows. Calibrated 14 C dates are frequently reported as cal BP, cal BC, or cal AD, again with BP referring to the year 1950 as the zero date. Radiocarbon gives two options for reporting calibrated dates. Calibrated dates can also be expressed as BP instead of using BC and AD. The curve used to calibrate the results should be the latest available INTCAL curve. Calibrated dates should also identify any programs, such as OxCal, used to perform the calibration. In addition, an article in Radiocarbon in 2014 about radiocarbon date reporting conventions recommends that information should be provided about sample treatment, including the sample material, pretreatment methods, and quality control measurements; that the citation to the software used for calibration should specify the version number and any options or models used; and that the calibrated date should be given with the associated probabilities for each range. Interpretation A key concept in interpreting radiocarbon dates is : what is the true relationship between two or more objects at an archaeological site? It frequently happens that a sample for radiocarbon dating can be taken directly from the object of interest, but there are also many cases where this is not possible. Metal grave goods, for example, cannot be radiocarbon dated, but they may be found in a grave with a coffin, charcoal, or other material which can be assumed to have been deposited at the same time. In these cases a date for the coffin or charcoal is indicative of the date of deposition of the grave goods, because of the direct functional relationship between the two. There are also cases where there is no functional relationship, but the association is reasonably strong: for example, a layer of charcoal in a rubbish pit provides a date which has a relationship to the rubbish pit. Contamination is of particular concern when dating very old material obtained from archaeological excavations and great care is needed in the specimen selection and preparation. As a tree grows, only the outermost tree ring exchanges carbon with its environment, so the age measured for a wood sample depends on where the sample is taken from. This means that radiocarbon dates on wood samples can be older than the date at which the tree was felled. In addition, if a piece of wood is used for multiple purposes, there may be a significant delay between the felling of the tree and the final use in the context in which it is found. One example is the Bronze Age at Withy Bed Copse, in England; the trackway was built from wood that had clearly been worked for other purposes before being re-used in the trackway. Another example is driftwood, which may be used as construction material. It is not always possible to recognize re-use. Other materials can present the same problem: for example, is known to have been used by some communities to waterproof baskets; the bitumen's radiocarbon age will be greater than is measurable by the laboratory, regardless of the actual age of the context, so testing the basket material will give a misleading age if care is not taken. A separate issue, related to re-use, is that of lengthy use, or delayed deposition. For example, a wooden object that remains in use for a lengthy period will have an apparent age greater than the actual age of the context in which it is deposited. Use outside archaeology Archaeology is not the only field to make use of radiocarbon dating. The ability to date minute samples using AMS has meant that palaeobotanists and palaeoclimatologists can use radiocarbon dating on pollen samples. Radiocarbon dates can also be used in geology, sedimentology, and lake studies, for example. Dates on organic material recovered from strata of interest can be used to correlate strata in different locations that appear to be similar on geological grounds. Dating material from one location gives date information about the other location, and the dates are also used to place strata in the overall geological timeline. The , the current geological epoch, begins about 11,700 years ago, when the Pleistocene ends. At , in Wisconsin, a fossil forest was discovered , and subsequent research determined that the destruction of the forest was caused by the Valders ice readvance, the last southward movement of ice before the end of the Pleistocene in that area. Before the advent of radiocarbon dating, the fossilized trees had been dated by correlating sequences of annually deposited layers of sediment at Two Creeks with sequences in Scandinavia. This led to estimates that the trees were between 24,000 and 19,000 years old, and hence this was taken to be the date of the last advance of the before its final retreat marked the end of the Pleistocene in North America. In 1952 Libby published radiocarbon dates for several samples from the Two Creeks site and two similar sites nearby; the dates were averaged to 11,404 BP with a standard error of 350 years. This result was uncalibrated, as the need for calibration of radiocarbon ages was not yet understood. Further results over the next decade supported an average date of 11,350 BP, with the results thought to be most accurate averaging 11,600 BP. There was initial resistance to these results on the part of , the who had worked on the Scandinavian varve series, but his objections were eventually discounted by other geologists. In the 1990s samples were tested with AMS, yielding uncalibrated dates ranging from 11,640 BP to 11,800 BP, both with a standard error of 160 years. Subsequently, a sample from the fossil forest was used in an interlaboratory test, with results provided by over 70 laboratories. These tests produced a median age of 11,788 ± 8 BP 2σ confidence which when calibrated gives a date range of 13,730 to 13,550 cal BP. The Two Creeks radiocarbon dates are now regarded as a key result in developing the modern understanding of North American glaciation at the end of the Pleistocene. Dead Sea Scrolls Part of the Great Isaiah Scroll, one of the Dead Sea Scrolls In 1947, were discovered in caves near the that proved to contain writing in and , most of which are thought to have been produced by the , a small Jewish sect. These scrolls are of great significance in the study of Biblical texts because many of them contain the earliest known version of books of the Hebrew bible. A sample of the linen wrapping from one of these scrolls, the , was included in a 1955 analysis by Libby, with an estimated age of 1,917 ± 200 years. Based on an analysis of the writing style, estimates were made of the age of 21 of the scrolls, and samples from most of these, along with other scrolls which had not been palaeographically dated, were tested by two AMS laboratories in the 1990s. The results ranged in age from the early 4th century BC to the mid 4th century AD. In all but two cases the scrolls were determined to be within 100 years of the palaeographically determined age. The Isaiah scroll was included in the testing and was found to have two possible date ranges at a 2σ confidence level, because of the shape of the calibration curve at that point: there is a 15% chance that it dates from 355—295 BC, and an 84% chance that it dates from 210—45 BC. Subsequently, these dates were criticized on the grounds that before the scrolls were tested, they had been treated with modern castor oil in order to make the writing easier to read; it was argued that failure to remove the castor oil sufficiently would have caused the dates to be too young. Multiple papers have been published both supporting and opposing the criticism. Impact Soon after the publication of Libby's 1949 paper in Science, universities around the world began establishing radiocarbon-dating laboratories, and by the end of the 1950s there were more than 20 active 14 C research laboratories. It quickly became apparent that the principles of radiocarbon dating were valid, despite certain discrepancies, the causes of which then remained unknown. In the words of anthropologist R. It provides more accurate dating within sites than previous methods, which usually derived either from stratigraphy or from typologies e. The advent of radiocarbon dating may even have led to better field methods in archaeology, since better data recording leads to firmer association of objects with the samples to be tested. These improved field methods were sometimes motivated by attempts to prove that a 14 C date was incorrect. Taylor also suggests that the availability of definite date information freed archaeologists from the need to focus so much of their energy on determining the dates of their finds, and led to an expansion of the questions archaeologists were willing to research. For example, from the 1970s questions about the evolution of human behaviour were much more frequently seen in archaeology. The dating framework provided by radiocarbon led to a change in the prevailing view of how innovations spread through prehistoric Europe. Researchers had previously thought that many ideas spread by diffusion through the continent, or by invasions of peoples bringing new cultural ideas with them. As radiocarbon dates began to prove these ideas wrong in many instances, it became apparent that these innovations must sometimes have arisen locally. More broadly, the success of radiocarbon dating stimulated interest in analytical and statistical approaches to archaeological data. Taylor has also described the impact of AMS, and the ability to obtain accurate measurements from very small samples, as ushering in a third radiocarbon revolution. Occasionally, radiocarbon dating techniques date an object of popular interest, for example the , a piece of linen cloth thought by some to bear an image of Jesus Christ after his crucifixion. Three separate laboratories ; the results pointed to 14th-century origins, raising doubts about the shroud's authenticity as an alleged 1st-century relic. Researchers have studied other radioactive isotopes created by cosmic rays to determine if they could also be used to assist in dating objects of archaeological interest; such isotopes include , , , , and. With the development of AMS in the 1980s it became possible to measure these isotopes precisely enough for them to be the basis of useful dating techniques, which have been primarily applied to dating rocks. Naturally occurring radioactive isotopes can also form the basis of dating methods, as with , , and. Other dating techniques of interest to archaeologists include , , , and , as well as techniques that depend on annual bands or layers, such as , , and chronology. However, this pathway is estimated to be responsible for less than 0. This effect is accounted for during calibration by using a different marine calibration curve; without this curve, modern marine life would appear to be 400 years old when radiocarbon dated. Similarly, the statement about land organisms is only true once fractionation is taken into account. For older datasets an offset of about 50 years has been estimated. Journal of the Franklin Institute. Glasgow, Scotland UK: University of Glasgow. Retrieved 11 December 2017. Journal of Research of the National Institute of Standards and Technology. Memoirs of the Society for American Archaeology 8 : 1—19. Retrieved 9 December 2017. Retrieved 9 December 2017. Warren; Blackwell, Paul G. US Department of State. Retrieved 2 February 2015. Woods Hole Oceanographic Institution. Retrieved 27 August 2013. Archived from PDF on 10 August 2013. Retrieved 1 January 2014. Proceedings of the Royal Society of London B: Biological Sciences. Science-based Dating in Archaeology. Archaeological Method and Theory. New York: Garland Publishing. Chemical Markers in Aquatic Ecosystems. Princeton: Princeton University Press. Britt; Vierra, Bradley J. Britt; Vierra, Bradley J. From the Pleistocene to the Holocene: Human Organization and Cultural Transformations in Prehistoric North America. London: British Museum Press. Paleoclimates: Understanding Climate Change Past and Present. New York: Columbia University Press. Fundamentals of Contemporary Mass Spectrometry. Isotopes of the Earth's Hydrosphere. In Chapman, Robert; Alison, Wylie. Material Evidence: Learning From Archaeological Practice. Radioactivity: Introduction and History. In L'Annunziata, Michael F. Handbook of Radioactivity Analysis 3rd ed. Radiocarbon Dating 2nd 1955 ed. Nature's Clocks: How Scientists Measure the Age of Almost Everything. Berkeley, California: University of California Press. A Consumer's Guide to Archaeological Science. In Leng, Melanie J. Isotopes in Palaeoenvironmental Research. Handbooks for Archaeologists: No. Strasbourg: European Science Foundation. In Goudie, Andrew; Cuff, David J. Encyclopedia of Global Change: Environmental Change and Human Society, Volume 1. Oxford: Oxford University Press. Walnut Creek, California: Left Coast Press. In Larsen, Clark Spencer. A Companion to Biological Anthropology. In Tykva, Richard; Berg, Dieter. Man-made and Natural Radioactivity in Environmental Pollution and Radiochronology. Dordrecht: Kluwer Academic Publishers. In Olsson, Ingrid U. Radiocarbon Variations and Absolute Chronology. Chronometric Dating in Archaeology. New York: Plenum Press. Radiocarbon Dating 2nd ed. Walnut Creek, California: Left Coast Press. Measurement of Weak Radioactivity. Singapore: World Scientific Publishing. In Boutton, Thomas W. Mass Spectrometry of Soils. New York: Marcel Dekker. Nuclear Methods in Science and Technology. Bristol, UK: Institute of Physics Publishing. Physics Methods in Archaeometry. Chemistry of the Natural Atmosphere. Development of the Lund AMS System and the Evaluation of a New AMS Detection Technique. Lund: University of Lund.

Radioactive Dating
If it takes about 30,000 jesus to reach equilibrium and 14C is still out of equilibrium, then maybe the earth is not very old. Occasionally, radiocarbon dating techniques carbon 14 dating an object of popular interest, for example thea piece of linen cloth thought by some to bear an image of Jesus Lucifer after his crucifixion. Carbon Dating Standards The radiocarbon age of a certain sample of unknown age can be determined by measuring its carbon 14 content and comparing the result to the carbon 14 activity in modern and background samples. However, this pathway is estimated to be north for less than 0. The chosen coal samples, which dated millions to hundreds of millions of years old based on standard evolution time estimates, all contained measurable amounts of 14C. Since the calibration curve IntCal also reports past atmospheric 14 C concentration using this conventional age, any conventional elements calibrated against the IntCal curve will produce a correct carbon 14 dating age. Carbon 14 is continually being formed in the upper atmosphere by the effect of cosmic ray neutrons on nitrogen 14 atoms. New York: Plenum Press. The electrons are so much lighter that they do not solo significantly to the mass of an atom. More recently, has become the method of choice; it counts all the 14 C atoms in the sample and not just the few that happen to decay during the measurements; it can therefore be used with much smaller samples as responsible as individual plant seedsand gives results much more quickly.

Quick Links

❤️ Click here: Dating a female narcissist damn near killed me

Their behavior is like a swarm of roaches, for every one lie in the light, there are thousands that you cannot see, because they are expert manipulators and you want to see the good in the person. I noticed the lies, little lies, and big lies. I always was walking on eggshells talking to him at the end.

I asked one young man on this forum what he can offer to woman. Narcs pick intelligent , beautiful, sincere, forgiving AMAZING people so they can live out a dream of being someone as amazing s you are. My mother is without a doubt a narcissist, and I have dealt with treating my co-depency all my life.

Quick Links - In their twisted world, you are lowly and they are mighty. She made me feel bad and day to the kids it was my fault.

From my vantage point as a psychotherapist, I work with many individuals who are leaving and healing from , especially romantic ones, with people who are narcissists. When I first heard the term narcissist as a graduate student, I had a hard time labeling someone with such a label. I pride myself on being a strengths-focused therapist, in direct opposition of any of such disempowering diagnostic nomenclature. However, as time progressed, I found in my own therapy practice that, indeed, there exist some individuals on this planet with narcissistic challenges. My clients educated me about the aftermath of what it is to heal from narcissistic abuse. I feel I owe it to the people I work with in therapy, and others who may be in similar circumstances, to assist with educating the public about narcissistic , so that people can be informed and aware of how to protect themselves in the event they encounter people with narcissistic traits. The following is an attempt at a primer on such individuals. For further study, please refer to the resources listed at the end of the article, as the subject is quite vast. Identifying Individuals with Narcissism So just what traits does someone with narcissism have, and what does that person look like in the early stages of dating? Studies suggest that 1% of the general population 2-16% of psychiatric population has narcissistic personality, while an even greater number exhibit typical traits of narcissism Brown, 2013. In addition, although 75% of people with narcissism are found to be male, women can also be narcissists. One could wonder, then, how someone would find such an individual, someone who embodies these characteristics, attractive. Well, studies show Brown, 2013 that people with narcissism market themselves in attractive, deceptive packages. People with narcissistic traits are known for targeting intelligent, self-sufficient, empathic individuals as partners. They tend to lack core identity Brown, 2013 , and need narcissistic supply to fill their empty psyches. Narcissistic supply comes mostly in the form of adulation, adoration, and attention, but any sort of feedback allows the individual with narcissistic qualities to feel alive including negative attention. Characteristics of the Relationship The literature on malignant narcissism is extensive, yet many are not informed about the dangers of being involved with someone whose character or actions tend toward narcissism. I find that clients who were entangled in relationships with such individuals have more healing to do from breaks in these relationships than if they had been in relationships with healthy individuals, because often these clients are manifesting symptoms of. In order to heal, psychotherapy must focus on grief work and trauma recovery, in addition to understanding the elements of the toxic relationship, so that patterns are not repeated in the future. Once the initial honeymoon wears off, partners of people with narcissistic traits go from feeling high on a pedestal much like being on cocaine to feeling devalued, discarded, and figuratively knocked off the pedestal. Their partners have successfully seduced and hooked them into relationships. But suddenly, the individual with narcissism begins to reveal traits of lying, future-faking, and Dr. He or she may vanish for hours or days on end, or confuses the reality of a partner. This person becomes emotionally abusive and detaches from the partner, extracting narcissistic supply in the process. The partner who has exhibited narcissistic personality traits, who was once a knight in shining armor, is now a mere fantasy, because he or she acted through mind control and brainwashing Brown, 2013. To Protect Yourself So how does one avoid encountering someone with narcissism? I would suggest being particularly cautious with the pacing of dating. If the dating partner attempts to rush the relationship, that is a red flag. An individual who respects your boundaries will work with you to slowly progress the relationship at a pace that is mutually agreed upon. To protect yourself from someone who may end up behaving out of narcissism, it is best to allow the connection to unfold slowly and observe to see if actions and words are matching up. Sexual chemistry is not the same thing as healthy bonding and attachment. A healthy person will want to get to know your personality, dreams, and interests, and slowly evolve the relationship. If you have encountered an individual who seems to display these qualities, or are considering leaving a relationship with a similar person, it is in your best interests to get yourself out of the relationship as quickly as possible. People with narcissistic characteristics may be prone to causing harm by invading personal boundaries, lying about future possibilities in relationships, engaging in abuse, and exhibiting no empathy or remorse for emotional harm they have done. Consult a licensed psychotherapist who is trained in narcissistic abuse recovery in addition to locating a qualified support group to help you through this time. But, it will take time and the assistance of qualified professionals who understand what you have endured and how to help you to reclaim your self-esteem. Permission to publish granted by , The preceding article was solely written by the author named above. Any views and opinions expressed are not necessarily shared by GoodTherapy. Questions or concerns about the preceding article can be directed to the author or posted as a comment below. Intriguingly enough… the person I am currently with demostrates all the exact same tendencies. And we are always trying to conquer each other. So perhaps it is only weak minded romantics who should stay away from narcissistic personalities. They seem to do just fine with each other. As the adult child of TWO narcs. I can tell you that this suggestion manifested would be a crime against humanity. You must remember the true victims of narcissistic abuse are THEIR CHILDREN. We are literally destroyed for life! Why would you want to encourage two narcs being together to cause DOUBLE the misery for their offspring? I was brainwashed 10 years ago, married 8 years. Those are years I can never recover. I lived 10 years of severe abuse. I painted his house and we became friends. He inherited over a million dollars. I needed to get work and move out ASAP. My new friend told me so many lies once I got to know him better. He said he would pay my bills. I needed to get my own place. A friend of mine had my bed and the headboard was huge and complex. The next day he took me to the car dealership and bought me a jeep that was featured on the showroom floor. It took him 3 years to put the car in my name. I mistakenly talked about my past. I learned to tread lightly, waiting for the monster to attack me. First terrible accusations, then name calling then the threats. He brainwashed me to be dependent on him or throw my things out to the curb and be homeless. I thought his cold disconnected personality could be fixed with professional help. Phil wanted us on the show and blew up his phone for two weeks. It never occurred to me that he was a narcissist. I developed health issues. My sister 10 months older passed away. I was grieving as hard as someone can and he was abusing me the whole time. I decided to commit suicide. I was writing suicide letters privately in my own room. In February some people tried to kill my brother with a baseball bat. He had a fractured skull, broken jaw and a crushed cheek. Lied about the worth of the property and such. Oh so after helping my brother I came home and he started interogating me. I told him to stop! He left and wrote him a letter about his behaviors are unexceptable. He threw the letter at my face and charged at me. I was on my cell with my brother on speaker phone. He struggled to get the house phone out of my hand and ended up slapping himself on his cheak. Anyway, I got divorce papers and a good lawyer. Your article was spot on and thank you. Selfish, soulless conquerors deserve one another. Soulless and people who have one, do not mix well. I did not see that in the article. At this point I do not care if my sister narcissist is healed or not. I just want to heal myself from her demeaning ridicule. It has been one year of no contact but she will not leave me alone. A blocked email made it through, which has set me back. She is attempting to shame me, make me feel guilty, while telling me how popular and lovable a Christian she is. I will not contact her but it is causing me agony and stress. Everything I read says narcissist will never change as they do not see anything wrong with them. They blame their victim. There are so many of these videos out there to help you know that you are not alone, and to help you begin the healing process, and to start realizing YOU ARE NOT CRAZY! Also, a Narc is not a Narc, they are all not the same…meaning there are different levels of Narc and that makes sense to me; I learned that from HG. How that helps, is that just because you had an experience with 1 level of Narc as I had a very long time ago, I had no name for it, nor know of these textbook steps of manipulations: love-bombing, devalaution, triangulation, period of respite, Hoovering etc , I would still not have recognized the level of Monster I am escaping and surviving now. So, knowledge is the first step to unmasking them, then unveiling your own eyes to yourself. Be strong and shine, it is what they saw in you from the start, take it back. I bought in to it for a while, thinking how lucky I was to be with this guy who was so smart, so hot, so rich, until I got so whatever! Took a while, but I finally kicked him to the curb, with no tears shed on my part I might say. You broke it off and felt better afterwards with no tears shed?! Sounds like a run of the mill selfish boyfriend. When you are nolonger under a Narcissists control they tend to try to destroy you. November 13th, 2016 at 2:14 PM My mother married what I now, in retrospect, recognize was a malignant narcissist. I was 12, the child of her first marriage to a normal narcissist and drunk. She remained married to this person for 10 years. The first five years he devoted to destroying the mother-child relationship, then when I was gone in every way, he turned on her. She was nine years older than him, and when they finally divorced, she felt sorry for him because he had no feelings etc. By this time, I was living in another town and indeed, would seldom see each other for the rest of our lives: even though we exchanged letters and visited, there was always a reserve because she so totally allied herself with her second husband and came to see me with his eyes, basically for the rest of her life. Also a fair number of friends and family. She would become a lesbian, a militant feminist, and to say the least a very rigid person. For all that, she still had a weird love-hate relationship with him, a distant relationship with me, and a generalized hatred of all men. I think she maybe had PTSD. She kept a hair trigger temper, and even by the age 40, I had yet to express an opinion she found remotely interesting about anything. She was once enraged at finding a copy of The Good War by Studs Terkel on my bookshelves — jumping eagerly to the conclusion that it was a defense of war. I just wonder if other stepchildren have had similar experiences. A narcissist can never be capable of mature, true love. That was a cool learning experience. I would greatly appreciIate any vignettes with guidance of how to respond or not respond. Thanks and keep up the great work!! My passions were often ridiculed, hurt emotions dismissed, opinions questioned and I was rudely treated disrespected in front of her children and family. It was so deflating and defeating. We could never disagree, someone always had to be right, and it was always her. She would escalate any argument more and more until I found myself giving in from exhaustion. She would try to get involved with my friends and family, but then make an enemy of anyone I was close to my brother and mother for example. You should get out as quickly as possible. But be prepared for a storm. My ex went nuclear when I left her, and has done as much as possible to destroy me in every, legally, financially, and personally. Prepare yourself, protect yourself, then get out. Great advice, learnt the hard way for me. Separating from a Narcissists has for me been as though a light bulb has switched on and all those nagging fears of what was hiding in the shadows turned out to be real. No way am I leaving my children with THAT! Why any woman on a Narcissist Victim Recovery Website would help a Malignant Narcissist carry out more treachery, is beyond me. It would be really smart to ban her as Admin, but how? Several, no many of us post about the same man. Use caution my friends. For me it may be time to find a more secure support group. Was he laughing at me behind my back when I was telling him that I loved him? I cry constantly because I feel so foolish and used by him and he just skips off like nothing has happened. I pray to God above that I never in my life meet anyone like him ever again. I was with my narc husband for 20years. I am so glad there is a name for it and I am not crazy. My children have suffered and still love him. I did not know. Thanks,this has given me hope. I am now to scared to leave again due to what happened last time. Is this just Autisum. Bi Polar, combat related Ptsd, Explosive Rage disorder etc… There is no excuse to tolerate their mistreatment and abuses. I do pray you get out, your story reminds me so much of mine. Much love to all of you! Ali—I am unclear about your question, but if you are asking if autism and narcissism are the same thing, my answer is: no. They are very different conditions. A narcissists lack of empathy could look like a social skills deficit though. Autism is neurological and developmental disorder. Both conditions are very different with different subsets of qualifying symptoms. People who suffer from, and I do say suffer, from Borderline Personality Disorder may abuse, and definitely do their share of damage in relationships. Their life just is a constant battle of and with themselves and the world, and deep-rooted fears of abandonment. Thus, making them sicker and sicker and taking them further into the rabbit hole they never had a clue they were in to begin with. Please continue talking and sharing. It is only by doing this, that we are freed and the masks can be pulled off. After dealing with a divorce and relationship of over 10 years, I began dating one of my best friends of 17 years. I thought it was a safe and logical option. I trusted this person. I felt connected to this person. The person I knew for half my life was a lie. The relationship became intense. He spoke of being my soul mate. He spoke of marrying me one day. He spoke of loving my child as his own. He spoke of our children growing up together. Once I became comfortable and trusting of the idea, he broke up with me. For four months after the title of commitment was taken away, he would still come by. He would still say he loved and cared for me. Then I was excluded from birthdays and holidays. He wanted his freedom to be single. After I would state my hurt from this exclusion, he would buy me gifts such as diamond earrings. Then he would tell everyone he did those things just to be friendly to me. He would continue to be intimate with me and flirt with other women. Ask an ex what it would take to make things work with her. We would stop speaking for months. Then he would call me to say he missed me and still loved me. He regretted losing my love. He would talk about not wanting to miss out on a chance of us working things out. I would ask about that. Are we working this out or not? I was then told I was being pushy. I would then be sited the one going to fast and not taking the baby steps. He missed me because I made his life better the year before. He would flirt with me and make sexual innuendos. I discovered that a woman I confided with about my feelings for him and the frustration of not understanding what was going on, became involved with him after she told me to give him some space to think. His charm had worked on her too. He manipulated her to gain attention and boost his ego. She beleives there is something special. So while he is telling me all these lines of missing me and about how he never stopped loving me, he is building this bond with a woman I confided in. I confronted him on that issue and he said I took his words the wrong way. He only meant them to be friendly. We would not speak for weeks again and then he would become flirty with me again. I stated that if he flirts with me, then the other women go. He again found me pushy and demanding. Would get irate that he has made his stand of being single and can flirt with whomever he wants. He borrowed money from me, and for almost a year he has not even tried to pay it back. He goes out to dinner frequently and to concerts, but incapable of paying people back. He overextends him self financially. Uses his charm and self pity to gain empathy from people to loan him money. It was all about him. The thrill of the chase for him. I would ask him if all our years of friendship meant anything. If all the talk of marriage and a future meant anything. Ask if any of it was real. Today, I am discovering it was all about him boosting his self esteem by getting someone to want him. Once that goal was accomplished, he would move on to the next person. What I thought was real from a man I knew for half my life, became nothing but a broken fantasy that nearly destroyed every peice of who I was. I thought I had found the love of my life in my best friend. I was completely wrong and that hurt worse than the divorce with my ex husband. Bottom line, I am aware now what type of relationship we really had. I am aware I was only a toy for him. He is an almost 40 year old man that refuses to commit. He refuses to go to counseling, even if it means bettering himself for his own children. He is so self indulged and addicted to the other women that he is capable of getting with his extreme charm. He is a highly intelligent man. But refuses to acknowledge he could be an extreme narcissist. His world is about what brings him instant gratification. Narcs pick intelligent , beautiful, sincere, forgiving AMAZING people so they can live out a dream of being someone as amazing s you are. I have a question , 12plus year partnership , 3 babies , sacrificed jo history, money, independence. I can for sure pay back a loan with his child support easily , he jus moved me to BFE 3 months ago and took of his mask, I just found a handgun under his mattress. My kids are 6, 5 and 1 , what can I do. Tired of trying not do drown in this depression and grief everyday. Please help me and my kids help ourselves go. This is a NIGHTMARE!!! Her ex husband is successful motormouth narcissist and I just realized this from a youtube on Trump as a narcissist. I came across some information because we are getting a divorce and I was writing everything up in order to make sense of it. I had a question about narcissus and read a blog article and then a comment, which had golden child and scapegoat in it. I figured I needed to refine my search, because she is not even close to being a narcissist, per my understanding. Somehow I found an article on covert narcissists and awoke to the facts. I really appreciate everyone writing about this and sharing. Another thing I noticed in discussion when I said to him you were my man, i. I was then immediately put on edge and had to pacify him saying no I dont mean it like ownership but loving, its a good thing. I thought I had found the love of my life in my best friend. No, I was wrong. I think the main issue is there is a fundamental lack of empathy and without that there is a lack of core bonding. And where they feel no pain for hurting you or considering your feelings there is nothing stopping them hurting you, because they simply dont feel it, or realise it, such is the emotional deadness and emotional immaturity. They only pretend to be remorseful. I always was walking on eggshells talking to him at the end. He always made me fell bad for my hurt. He even told me several times that my pain was my own fault for sticking around. I know about his exes and what happened. I even have spoken to one of them. Funny thing is he knows he needs help. But refuses to go. So i become less hurt each day for me, and more sad for the current woman and his children. They have no idea what is in store for them. They can see injustice done to other people, and can sometimes see the injustice they cause to other people, but instead of correcting their mistakes and making themselves a better person, they just move on to the next victim. Their hope is someone will accept them for who they are…no matter how awful they treat people. They see their behavior traits wrong in other people, but not in themselves. Those of us with a conscience learn from our mistakes. Because then they would actually have to feel the Rath of guilt. I totally deal with these exact issues daily! And the lack of empathy is unbelievable! It has given me the ability to know that he is not going to change and we have to get away ASAP! Thank you for your comments! We got in debt and he ignored that and used that as an excuse to make me look crazy to his family. After 5 surgeries for breast cancer that was the beginners my of the end. He was a salesman on the road 2 weeks out of the month and by now he started getting on laptop late at night and texting a lot. That started setting up a red flag for me. He left me after Christmas for a woman he met in another state on a porn site A month after our divorce he moved her her and her kids in behind me and loves to keep things stirred up with my daughter. I know he still lies about his self worth and how wonderful he is. Ultimately though, one has to make oneself the focus, to discover what made us vulnerable to such abuse in the first place. And I had contact with one authority on NPD who put the number of Narcissist males at 75%. Still, the information is very relevant and useful and can be applied to ones personal situation without paying much attention to the statistics. Thanks again for this post! I have a financial advisor friend who I trusted with my family but after some time getting to see how they behaved, I grew to recognise the signs of narcissism behind their kindly mask. Red flags were evident very early on as i got to know them but I fell for the trap and in someways still feel trapped. It is very hard to get this person out of my head although I feel heartbroken by their deception and see it for what it is. The hardest thing is realizing they will never change. As a therapist myself, I can honestly say that watching someone else go through it is nothing in comparison to living it. This devaluing and being discarded after being idealized really speaks to my experience especially. In my case, the trigger for his rage and pathological lying would often be me pulling away or being assertive, even though he had already broken up with me quite definitively. The last ploy used to get my attention, post breakup, was to tell me his mother died. Is no contact the best approach in that circumstance also? And thanks again Andrea for a great article that has started to help me make sense of this experience and the real nature of the losses I am grieving. I think the only weakness is that it sets the bar rather high to make a determination that a partner is narcissistic. As a therapist and as the son of a pathological narcissist, I can attest to the fact that they can function quite well and carry on in society without undue notice for years. You may never know you are around one until you begin to stand up to them- this they take great exception to and you may rapidly become secondary supply at best. Really hard stuff to deal with. Once this happens, I too agree the only way to be safe is to stay away. That was a cool learning experience. I would greatly appreciIate any vignettes with guidance of how to respond or not respond. Thanks and keep up the great work!! In dating relationships, beware of the individual who swoops in and promises you the moon and back again, proposing to you in 2 days…a healthy relationship gradually builds, with mutual respect and empathy and self-disclosure. If you have already been entangled in a relationship with a narcissistic type person, then the best policy is absolutely No Contact…unless you share children, in which case you legally might have to do Limited Contact…I would highly encourage you to seek a psychotherapist who can provide you support in recovery from narcissistic abuse, and to also join an online support forum like Lisa E. These abusive relationships further undermine the codependents little self-esteem. Underneath both suffer from shame. My jaw dropped the first time I read your writing on this subject which was a couple of weeks ago. I have printed out both articles and read them daily to remind myself to avoid ever dating another man with this affliction as well as sent copies to all my single girlfriends. It was so easy to get swept away in all the drama, the ups and downs, highs and lows with the narcissist, but now know what an incredible sham the whole thing was. You truly could not have described in more accurate detail what I went through. My mother is without a doubt a narcissist, and I have dealt with treating my co-depency all my life. Now at 59, the puzzle is finally coming together! But she had to tell me how great this new man was, how intelligent and talented, how they are going to keep his apartment in the city and his country property, how he has motorbikes etc. For anyone who is in a relationship with a person with strong narcissistic traits I warn you to be careful. I was never good enough and got to the most tragic point. Thank God for my children who saved me from doing it. Trying to stay Near Positive People.. One Day at a Time. Trying to stay Near Positive People.. One Day at a Time.. I am grateful to this author for helping to increase awareness of something that has the very real potential to completely destroy lives. Before March of this year, I did not know that this type of abuse had a name. If someone would have asked me if I had heard of Narcissistic Abuse, I would have simply equated it with abuse by a Narcissistic person and that is very misleading. After enduring the most horrific emotional abuse I have ever experienced at the hands of a psychologist I had taken my two small children to for counseling, I endured even more trauma in the aftermath trying to understand what actually happened in the abusive relationship. Narcissistic Abusers are quite skilled at leaving the victim with all of the guilt and blame for the abuse. After I refused to see this therapist any longer, I spent 9 months trying to understand if he was trying to help me like he insisted or literally trying to kill me. That made it even harder to heal from the abuse. I spent every waking minute thinking about what happened searchign for somehting I had missed that could make all if make sense. They are still searching for answers and carrying the guilt and blame with them for not having done enough to prevent the destruction of the relationship. It is not discussed often because many do not understand it. However, with more awareness, more people are armed with information and can protect themselves from dangerous relationships. I was the love of his life, but I abandoned him so what was he supposed to do when this girl came and saved him where I had dropped him. Feelings of guilt transferred to me…I am so terribly insecure now, after being so independent and strong growing up! How do I get back to normal? How do I leave him behind where he belongs and stop shedding a single tear for him? Here are some details of her relationship with him: 1. Her father is a physician as well. Her parents were very strict and controlling, enforced with verbal and physical abuse on occasion, forbidding her to go out with friends, while driving her to do well in school and other activities. When she met her future husband, they had both been recently divorced. She was about to go away for a few months for a nursing job, when he literally swept her off her feet and took her to Las Vegas to be married before she left to go on this job. After they were married, she quit the job rather than going away. She was filled with great admiration and love for him for roughly the first half of their marriage. She thought of him glowingly as her rock, white knight and the love of her life. She did everything and anything he wanted her to do. She changed who she was to be who he wanted her to be. Instead she focused on being the best home-maker she could be. She loved to cook and perfected meals. She kept the house very clean all the time. She did everything for their two boys. She was always very driven, so that was how she used her energy. He always had the last word on any subject related to them and their family. She spoke that often their was fear- both from her and her sons- shortly he would come home from work that everything was not done- dinner, clean house, etc. Her boys would express this as well and tell her to hurry and get things done or Dad would be angry. Roughly 10 years ago, she had the first desire to divorce him. She was upset when he flirted with other women at parties. It was also around this time that he no longer satisfied her sexually. Still, she went on as before, but now more unhappily, mostly for the sake of their boys. A little over a year ago, she found out he was having an affair. This was devastating to her on so many levels. Apparently he had known the woman for 6 years. She felt she had lost her best friend, husband, her rock, her everything in one blow. It challenged everything she thought about love, marriage, everything. In the months after the discovery, she would often go stay in a hotel by herself with a candle and drink by herself rather than be in the house with him. She stopped having sex with him. Since she discovered his infidelity, he has become increasingly hostile toward her verbally. They have been in counseling for over a year now. She is increasingly stressed and unhappy with her marriage and does not want to spend any time with him because it is so unpleasant. Their counselor is trying to help them preserve their marriage. It is this last point that is most concerning to me. My thought is that the counselor has not identified the husband as a narcissist, otherwise he would not be trying to preserve the marriage through counseling. I met her the other day and asked her if she thought her husband was a narcissist. This did not surprise me entirely, and yet she seems stuck in what to do. She does not see an immediate need to end the relationship, primarily for the sake of her 14 and 16 year old sons it seems. Anyway, it appears his relationship with the other woman may have ended against his will, so now he seems more focused in a bi-polar way on her again. Their couple counseling is on an individual basis she ended the couple sessions after he repeatedly lied to the counselor. Very sad and troubling situation. And yet the counselor is trying to preserve their marriage. Apparently she asked him for a separation a year ago, but he refused, and he said he will not divorce her either. She has said that if he asked, she would divorce him, but she is afraid of her kids reaction if she were to ask for a divorce. Sounds like she has a good-sounding board in you. I would focus on your own self-care and release the issue at this time. I have been in a relationship much like this for 5 years. I even went to counseling and they never saw it which made me feel even more isolated and confused. Worse yet, we spend endless hours trying to figure out what we did wrong. We were not married and have no children together, thank goodness. I gave up my job to work with him, gave away most of my belongs my bad decisions and gave it my all in the relationship. He was very charismatic in the beginning but soon I realized he was shallow and unfeeling towards other people pain. Him and I bought a house together which is down the street from my daughter and her family. When I left, I also signed this house over to him because I did not want any ties. The narc hated my son in law and never had anything nice to say about him. Now the narc and my son in law are best friends, but I know my son in law needs the money his is making off of him at this moment. He thinks he has the narc under control…. I know he is wrong and the hatchet will fall with him as soon as the narc no longer needs him. We live in small community and the narc decided to remodel this house the one we bought together on a grand scale and so it is being noticed by everyone in this community. Originally he was going to sell it and I was all for that, just to get him away from me and family. But now it seems he wants to keep rubbing my nose in it for breaking it off with him. He is even trying to get his family to move here???? He is taking my family to nice places to eat and giving them money which they need but it is making me feel sick to my stomach. My son and his family has broken ties with him but my son in law has not. When I broke it off with the narc, I did the no contact rule, went back to work and even starting taking some college classes. I have accepted that he is a narc and uses people, is shallow and hurts people without a conscious. I have always been a forgiving person and I want to move on without his baggage cluttering my life. I do not want to move from this area, my family lives here, children and grandchildren,they are my family and not his, although he has a strained relationship with his kids and almost no contact with his grandchildren. The narc always told me how wonderful my kids and grandkids were, and how they always treated him with respect. I tried to raise my children to treat others the same way they treat themselves, with dignity and respect. My children are raising their children the same way. But I am at my wits ends on how to get him to move on. I have also been told he bad mouths every chance he gets. Any advice would be appreciated on how to handle this. Before I met the narc, I had been divorced for almost 10 years and had dated some but had not found someone I wanted to have a long term relationship with. I had a job with people I liked, a decent place to live, was close to my family, had close friends and volunteered to help our troops. My life was good by my standards. The narc swept me off my feet; I thought he was the one. He put me on a pedestal and would call and text me. We talked of building a future together so when he suggested I quit my job and work together we are flood adjusters it seemed like the right thing to do. We would save our money and buy a place together and grow old together. I gave up my place and gave away most of my material things; I thought I was doing the right thing. He admired how I was so close to my children and grandchildren as he was not close to his. It was slow but soon I was realized I had not seen my friends or volunteered anymore. And everything I did, wore or said was wrong, He would say mean things and hurt my feelings, but when I would say something about it, he would say I was wrong and he did not say or do those things. I started recording some of our conversations and would play them back just to check my own memory. I really thought I was losing my mind. I was right, he was saying and doing mean things. I thought maybe his mind was not clear because he would drink almost daily and usually too much. A few months ago, he told me that he did not trust me and doubted I loved him. It was like a light bulb went off, that was way our relationship was not in good shape. He also told me that when we met I did not have a place to live, a job, furniture or clothes. He said everything I have is because he gave it to me. He also told me that I was a drunk? I left, I signed the house we bought together over to him and did the no contact rule. I just wanted him out of my life. I almost feel he wanted my life, he wanted to be me. I have always prided myself on being close to my family, friends and community. My family has told me I have been a great mom and nana, and they want me in their lives forever but their relationship with the narc is optional and right now they need his money the money I helped to put in our account that he withdrew down to the last penny when I told him it was over. I just want my life back free from his drama and bad mouthing of me and others including my kids who he adores now. I have at times thought about calling him and telling him what I think of him. I would like tell him to move on and get out of our lives, but I know that will only fuel his feelings that he is special. I do not feel I should have to move away from my family, friends and community, they were mine long before they were his now I sound narcissistic. Even my kids have told me it like he wants to torture me for breaking it off. I believe they are now his narc supply and he will hurt them like he did me but they need the money right now. I feel like I am between a rock and a hard place. I just want him gone out of my life, any suggestions would be appreciated. There were lots of red flags at the beginning e. But after a space of a week, he came back and we basically continued as normal. Over a period of time I began to live in a state of uncertainty, confusion and what I find most deplorable, is he made me question my own judgment. I could have written your piece, nearly word for word. So grateful he did. Just dealing with the fall out of crazy making. Helps to remind ourselves to quit thinking healthy responses can come from an unhealthy mind. I found myself baffled with his bizarre thinking. I jumped off with a whole lot of injuries, but I still am walking away, healing as I go. You can and will too. Only you can decide when Enough is Enough. Going ROUND and ROUND in continual Highs and Lows.. After awhile…well, one day, you just jump off. Better it be YOUR decision than getting Flung off or Stuck in a Prison of Madness. I have read so much trying to make sense of what has happened to me. Your description is by far the best I have seen yet. It is so hard to have lived thru something that i thought i would never live thru only to come out into a world that I have no idea how to relate to anymore. It is truly like learning to live again. I am out but I still feel crazy and find myself most comfortable when I am alone. I think it is because I have become so accustomed to the feeling. Anyway I usually just read the stories but I had to respond to your perfect description of the hell they so perfectly manipulate u into willingly putting yourself into. Will he ever come out of this disaster. He hated her an seen her nasty ways before the brainwashing began. He is now 18 graduating in 6 months and hoping to join the military. NM started this when she found out he told the law about sisters abuse. Should I just let go…. If you use the Advanced Search function on GoodTherapy. After selecting a therapist or several to email, you may want to specify that you are looking for some help in recovery from narcissistic abuse. The vast majority who specialize in abuse or relationship problems will have experience and expertise with concerns about narcissism. Our search page is here: We hope that helps! Best wishes, The GoodTherapy. His personality traits include but not limited to — self critical about weight, getting older, name dropping, always talking about his past achievements, loved to get new things all the time, he helped me get my first car and credit card, he was often critical of celebrities but always loved the lifestyle of the rich and famous, he would always compare himself to his sibling who made great money. The one thing that still holds me to believe he had some sort of heart was how big of a mess he was breaking up with me, he was sobbing, and kept apologizing and said he still loved me. It was a big cluster fuck of emotions. In hindsight, he had left what he claimed to be his best friend since high school to start a relationship with me. According to him, his best friend had been in love with him a long time and was jealous of him dating me. Was this a sign of a narcissist? About a year ago she got fired from her job. So I called her and we started seeing each other. Her sense of humor was sarcastic like mine. She was maninpulative, but in a very attractive way; a real turn on. She was like a dream girl. She was having financial problems so I started helping her out with her groceries, gas, utilities, insurance, student loan, etc… It all added up to about 15000 over 10 months. Despite all this her house was going into foreclosure in January. So I loaned her another 1800. Ever since that loan her attitude has changed dramatically. We had some arguments before, but not like these. The verbal abuse is shocking. She would make threats all the time. For example after about a month of this verbal abuse and being stood up multiple times, she calls me and wants me to help her out with her utility payment or they are shutting off her power. So for about 3 days she gave me non stop verbal abuse over the phone. Well I snapped and I finally let into her about the way she had been treating me since I loaned her that money. Her response was not that she was sorry, but that she would never forgive me. I stated that she had abused me 10 times the amount I had been mean to her. She then stated that I was a compulsive liar and that she did not trust me and she threatened to never see me again. I disagreed with that to no avail. I just wanted things to go back to the way they were before I loaned her that money. When she was like a dream girl. So she calls me up and she wants a new bike. So I said I am not going to get her anything because the more I do for her the worse she treats me. She lit into me like I have never heard. She said that I never give her anything out of the kindness of my heart, that she hates me, and I am an idiot. I called her on Monday and stated that it was a good idea not to talk for the next 2 weeks. I think perhaps she has a new victim because she has only texted me a couple of times over the last 4 days. I am disinterested in everything now and I feel like I have no purpose, i. So many times I knew here texts were going to be nasty, but I just had to read them. It was like I was addicted to the pain. I cant overemphasize this enough. BPD people are at the mercy of their over reaching and over active emotions, with a large touch of seeing the world as a cynical and untrustable place thrown in. Our largest problem is an exisistential fear of abandonement. BPD hurt others only secondary to intense fear of abandonement and the pain that it evokes. They often feel extreme guilt and empathy days, weeks or even months later for the hurt they cause over reacting to this fear. Narcissists are in fact the exact opposite. They hurt people because they are not in touch with themselves and their feeling. What this says about the human condition is that healthy people fall somewhere between these two extremes. I should be over it, right? Right after I left Brett Gyllenskog swooped up one of my good friends, she was moved in with him within a month of me leaving. I thought that she was one of my best friends. I just have to remind myself that I also fell victim to his manipulation so many times. She is now in the same pain I was and although my hurt and anger are still here ultimately I feel pity on her. I just wanted to thank all of you that have commented and to those who wrote the article. Especially all the parts about, sleep, reactive depression, nightmares, etc.. I thought I was crazy and totally lame that I still carry the pain around and dream of him and her so often still. They will manipulate you every time you try to leave. I promise that It will never end! It is impossible for them to change because of the type disorder they have does not allow them to look at themselves the way that we can and they NEVER will be able to. So ultimately please hear my advice… I do realize that kids and marriage make this even more complex and difficult … BUY YOURSELF A PLANE TICKET TO SOMEWHERE SAFE AND AS FAR AWAY AS POSSIBLE LIKE YOUR LIFE DEPENDS ON IT…. THEY NEED YOU TO FEEL THAT WAY SO THEY CAN KEEP YOU THERE TO KEEP SUPPLYING THEM WITH WHAT THEIR DISORDER NEEDS TO SURVIVE. REMEMBER THEY ARE NOT WELL — THEY ARE MENTALLY ILL…. I think the point at which you start to feel confused like maybe YOU are the one who is narcissistic is a big red flag that it is time to go. At that point the NARC has gotten to you! One thing I have discovered is that a NARC is often generous to you and your friends and family This may also confuse you. It is about their reflection ie how their being generous reflects on them and makes them look good as well as being a disguise! In other word it is all about THEM. This was a major realization for me. I got into this situation and it took six months to realize he was a narcissist. The way I got in it and got stuck was my codependency issues. Be prepared for your efforts to confront the abuser to be met with lies and denials, having your history changed and distorted ever so discreetly, See the tim Gaslight and you be made to look like the abuser. You may all end up looking foolish and loosing friends, but those that leave were captivated by the abuser and in a way victims also. It hurts, and the mess after hurts too, but the most profound disturbance comes from knowing that it was all a lie. Look at your boundaries. Or should I say I stayed to be humiliated, lied to, abused and romanced. I changed so much I felt dead inside, when driving to his home I would feel sick and never knew what to expect. I in all honesty cannot remember the worst abuse, but do remember sitting in the fetal position for days knowing I was bad and till the last 2 years rang up and begged forgiveness. I was told he was not sure if I were a suitable person for him to have a relationship with. I was too serious to casual, I was never right. Then he would give me cars, trips overseas. So I always thought how could he be bad, he was generous. My work peers thought I had the best man on earth. I made every meal he ate but that was nothing because when he took me to dinner it was much more expensive than anything I did. In the end I began to forget how o cook, afraid to tell him my children had come to dinner without him knowing. If he knew they had been to dinner it was always you cook for them and get too tired. No it was cooking for others that annoyed him. The last time I was badly behaved he said it is over and why I did it I dont know I said thank you good bye. Blocked his phone number after many hang up calls from him. I am still shell shocked but I will never make contact again. I would rather be alone than be frightened to be myself and be controlled to the stage I had died. What he envied the most. YOU fell in love with all that is good in YOU! Recognize that what he says is just him blowing it out of his ass. One of many small but nasty behaviours. He left his own son when he was 6 months old and I now think he was put out when the attention was not solely on him. These narcs are Teflon coated so nothing sticks to them while they leave a trail of wreckage in their wake. I have been on a merry go round for 6 years with a man who displays all year traits. Overly generous to those around him, never thankless about it though. One minute loved me next minute was cold and mean. When I would receive a text or call I was never sure who I would get. Sometimes i would monitor myself as I knew certain things would set him off and I wanted to keep the peace. One comment I read really resonated with me, and that was about putting up boundaries and then removing them. I moved in, I moved out. I got pregnant he made my life difficult, while celebrating it with his friends. It was a confusing hell. You question your own sanity, and it destroys your self esteem. As you are constantly having to pump up their esteem. Almost creating a fight to avoid to be there for you. It has not been easy. In fact, worldwide, it seems as if the United States is lagging significantly behind Ireland, England and Australia when it comes to any sort of acknowledgement about this type of abuse. I have found everything you have described in your article above to be on target with what victims of this type of abuse endure in trying to remove themselves from these toxic relationships but also in regaining their sense of identity once they are free from the abuse. Without the awareness and insight into the reality of what they went through, victims are significantly at risk for being preyed upon by other Narcissists. I am finding that currently, victims are relying on social media sites to get an understanding of what happened. That is fraught with complications of its own. Promoting awareness about this heinous form of abuse seems to be tricky. It sometimes feels like I am telling people I just saw a UFO when I speak of it based on the reactions I get from people when I talk about this. Thank you very much for your time. You seem very knowledgeable about these issues and I was just wondering if you had any resources or references of anyone or any place that has the awareness and knowledge to help. Anything is better than nothing. I am sorry I did not see your message sooner. Luckily I just happened to go back and look at the comments here this morning. To be perfectly honest with you, it is very difficult to really get a grasp of which mental health professionals might possess enough of an understanding about Narcissist Victim Syndrome to even make any suggestions. My own experience with healing from Narcissistic abuse was that fraught with difficulties. After I finally fled the relationship with the emotionally abusive psychologist I had initially taken my two small children to see, it took me about a month of falling apart to finally get up the courage to see a new psychologist. While she was very supportive and helped me file a 15 point ethical complaint with the Ohio Board of Psychology, she did not understand Narcissistic abuse. That resulted in me suffering from C-PTSD for almost a full year after the abuse trying desperately to make sense out of what had happened to me. What was even more disturbing was that when I finally found a website TELL- therapyabuse. What would be the motive? I actually stopped seeing this therapist for several months while I read all I could about Narcissistic abuse and come to some conclusion myself about whether or not this was what happened to me. I knew that if I continued to speak with her about it, I was going to become even more confused. All I knew was that this was the first time I had found anything that made the whole terrifying ordeal make sense. And I was hoping to stop reliving everything that happened again and again trying to make sense out of it. When I went back to see the therapist, I was quite sure of myself and what I had been through and I had enough confidence to confront her with her own lack of understanding about the problem. It turns out she thought she knew what Narcissistic abuse was. The reality was that she did not. I am finding that my story is far too common. Because of the immense difficulties I have had with finding the path to healing from this abuse- despite doing all of the things a person should do to get better- I have since become a very vocal advocate of changes in the mental health system. If you would like to read more about the work I am currently doing, you can find it here: naswoh. Currently, this is not a topic that is given any credence whatsoever in the graduate programs of many mental health professions. And that should enrage all of us who are struggling to overcome the devastating effects of this type of abuse. I do know that Andrea just created a new professional website andreaschneiderlcsw. My hope is that as more mental health professionals become aware of this type of abuse, more will be in a position to help survivors and clearly state that on their list of competencies. I know Andrea does teletherapy but I believe she may only be working with clients in California. Hopefully she will clarify on this forum. My hope is that through the CEU course I am creating for the Ohio Chapter of the NASW, there will soon be competent social workers ready to help the countless victims of this type of abuse. Until then, you might be able to locate competent providers by asking other survivors. One place that may be able to get you to a large enough audience to actually find someone would be facebook. This site was created by a psychotherapist in Ireland who is committed to trying to educate mental health professionals all over the world about this type of abuse. She is truly an inspiration to me. I hope this has been helpful to you. I just got out of the wourlwind of a narc. I live in Ohio and certainly wish I had known more. What are you doing to promote awareness. A website if you have started one. One of the reasons why Andrea wrote this article is because of the fact that this type of abuse is so poorly understood by mental health professionals. She explains early on in the article that she primarily learned about the aftermath of this type of abuse from her clients. Like most of us in the mental health profession, she did not come to understand this type of abuse or the devastating effects it can have on the people around the Narcissists during her graduate training. The ability to understand and help victims of Narcissistic abuse is not something currently being addressed in most graduate programs for mental health professionals. And that should frighten all of us. I feel it necessary to say something about this because Toni is asking a very important question and I feel like the reply you gave runs completely contrary to what this entire article is about. How many of the people posting comments about this article sought out professional help during and after abusive relationships endured at the hands of a malignant Narcissist only to be told they needed to try harder to work things out with them? The damage that can be done by well intentioned mental health professionals who have no real understanding of what this type of abuse is is very real. So I would respectfully ask that her question be readdressed. Until more people like Andrea stand up and speak out about the effects this type of abuse has on everyone around the abuser, it will continue to be something where victims must search social media trying to find the currently hidden path to recovery. Thank you for your time. What do you do when when the wool has been pulled from over your eyes and your heart is broken, specifically when you miss and love some one who literally does, and never did, exist. You have to mourn the death of an invisible man. You have to start your entire life over, and deal with feelings of rage, injustice, heart-breaking sadness sadness so cruel and bitter that it physically hurts , and the most ugly, evil betrayal and social slander smear campaigns worthy of a politician you can ever experience. He still has them fooled, and you are now the villain because god forbid you had enough respect for yourself and your safety to stand up and walk out run like your hair was on fire. You have to let go of a life, a reality, a future that you have been robbed of; you have to let go of a soul mate and a kindred spirit who in reality was only a façade used to manipulate you. You have to mourn the death of the imaginary love of your life, the future that you were building with them, the life you had created with them. You feel like an idiot. You feel empty, used, and discarded. You mean nothing to him, and you never did. Human beings are nothing but pawns to him, used to maintain his false image, feed his ego, and be manipulated according to his various agendas. You were idealized, and then de-valued. You were adored and then destroyed. You were everything, and then you were nothing. You have to recognize how much the emotional abuse has changed you so that you can heal from it. The gas-lighting, the manipulation, the stone-walling. The brutal words that echo in your head have to be fought off constantly. You feel like you are haunted, there are nightmares, constant shock, and confusion. You cannot apologize to loved-ones enough, because you also have to deal with the fact that there was and likely still is collateral damage. They got hurt too. In every way they were able to get under your skin and damage you, and then they judged you for it. They wanted you to lose value of yourself; they had you open up to them and share your every vulnerability and life experience, and then deliberately used it against you. There is a new target; you left this person for the sake of both of you, and after doing everything in their power to destroy you, they re-focused their attention immediately to the new one s. You never really meant anything to this person. You will never know if you were ever the only one at any point, if you ever had received one true iota of humane treatment. You will never have the full truth or the closure that you deserve. All you really ever were: A source of Narcissistic Supply. You were being fed on by a parasite, a misogynist who is literally incapable of love and has no real interest or respect for other people other than what role they can play in maintaining a false image and an ego. This is the same person that you shared everything, your life with, the same person who you dedicated yourself to, to whom you gave your heart and would do anything for. You are nothing to them, you never were. How do you mourn that? You now know that you were being betrayed and manipulated the whole time. They deserve for everyone to know who they really are, but you know that will never happen. This is not human behavior; this is beyond sick. Something in them is broken, and it can never be fixed. And it lies in the shadows of some of the most charming people you will ever meet. I have felt so alone the last 4 years and as I cry writing this, I finally am thinking it want my fault. I just started counselling but I feel my entire life was sucked from me. Thank you for putting into words exactly what I needed to see right now. That is what I have been through for the last two years. And a successful, strong and educated woman was slowly made to think I was unworthy and insane by an alcoholic unemployed narcissist. Silent treatments, discards and then he would pull me back in to tell me he loved me and was so glad I was in his life. Just trying to be strong now, to accept and process it all and to let go of a love that never really existed while still grieving a love that actually was real. I walked away 6 months ago! I know I made the right decision but the aftermath has left me CRUSHED! Brainwashing of myself and Of our 9 kids. He worked diligently so that every friend,neighbor,anyone that was a support now thinks i have mental llness and made it all up about him and hes great. Got me kicked out my apartment,wheni was in a hotel with my kids he unleashes social services on me trying to take custody. He has publicly humiliated in ways that i dont have time to share Hes dr jekyl and mr. I left him with kids then returned bcause he pored on the ive changed and want another chance. Final into a divorce,he will terrorize me of i do with more custody stuff etc,he doesnt want a divorce so i cant be with anyone else. Hes always up to something. He tried to take out everything in me that was me. I let him do it. I listened to him. He is a master at mind games. I recently scared myself by thinking its not gonna stop until one of is dead. That doesnt mean anything more than its just true. All while he maddingly declares in that soothing voice.. He found out somehow i was there,he uses every opportunity or weakness to get an advantage, i was so upset that i started vomiting n the hospital that he came there, and also he made sure to tell the nurses and dr,while he was there that i had mental problems that they should probably look into,wheni was there because his acions and mind games had exhausted me. June 3rd, 2016 at 8:21 PM Well written. You described my marriage of 30 years. Reading this made me tear up. Happily I am in a new loving relationship and am engaged. No he is not Narc…. They still have a relationship with their dad. Do I tell my children that their dad is ill? My ex said some sick things like: I have obsessive thoughts of burning you and strangulating you with the curling iron when you curl your hair. Do you ever feel like pushing people over high places? It was three months long, ended terribly. A few days ago someone sent me an email suggesting that I look into narcissistic abuse. I thought I would share my story again here and see if I could bring myself any closure or find others who could relate to my situation or bring me any advice on the topic. This is my story…. After the breakup I felt devastated and literally could not understand how I could live without him. He had a lot of baggage but I accepted him anyway because I could feel how much pain he was in. On top of that his dad came out recently, his parents had to get divorced after having been married for over thirty years, and his grandpa was a convicted child molester. I met my ex online in November and we were only together for three months. I fell in love with him the moment we first spoke and I just wanted so desperately to make him happy and help his pain go away. I wondered why such an amazing, special person deserved to feel any of that pain. I only wanted to see the beauty in him. I slept with him on the first date, out of lust.. It was a very special, intimate night for me…but only after we slept together did he tell me about his kid. Not when we first spoke online, not before we met in person, AFTER we slept together, during which he started begging me to not leave him. This is something I probably should have taken as a red flag…not his child, but his dishonesty about his child. It seemed like in the beginning of our relationship he had treated me like a queen. He told me that I had saved him and had transformed his life from one that was black and white to one that was full of color. He told me I looked at him in a way that no one else ever had and that now he finally understood what real love felt like and that it was a kind of love that his ex was never able to give him. Needless to say he broke up with me suddenly after three months and painfully told me he never meant a word he said to me. He tried to convince me I was bipolar and insane and that I was just like his ex who had a severe personality disorder, according to him. I told him after a month of us being together that I was in love with him and he used that as a weapon against me in the end. It was extremely difficult for me to be so open with him and I had a flat out panic attack when I told him. I came from a two year relationship, during which my ex never told me he loved me. I told him I loved him after six months and suffered for another year and a half until we finally fell apart. When I told Andrew I loved him, I had a panic attack and blurted it out, but he said it back and I literally just cried out of happiness. I admit, I got extremely vulnerable and insecure after I told him I loved him. Or if we fought and he went to bed instead of making sure I was okay. I know my insecurities irritated him and pushed him away in some ways. Right before we broke up I could sense something was wrong and I rushed over to his place with a gift I bought him, wanting to hold him…. I stayed the night, hoping that he would crawl back to me and hold me, but he never did. He just yelled at me anytime I tried to kiss him or touch him. And two days later we were over. And he told me all of these terrible things…. He said he never meant it. And I believed him. For four months now I have been telling myself that I deserved how he treated me, that I am actually insane and that I lost the best person I had ever met. I have cried every day from the pain. Finally after ditching me and leaving me waiting at a bar for him or waiting by the phone for him to let me know if he could hang out, and him ignoring my texts, he finally asked me to come over. I tried to act as though nothing had happened, I tried to act cool and calm. And we ended up drinking and sleeping together……after which he told me he had so much fun with me and asked me to start staying the night at his place again and that he wanted to see me the following week. Neither of those things happened. And tomorrow never came. I ended up texting him when I was falling apart, begging to see him and wanting him back and he never responded….. He acted so friendly and caring and loving when I saw him again.. He started telling me how pretty I looked. And then he completely ignored me once again and made me out to be this crazy person. I felt as though he had broken up with me twice. It was a complete stab to the heart. After sleeping with him I somehow believed things would come back to normal and that he would want to see me…but he completely used me and left me and tried to sell me to his friends….. Since then I have been making a list of all of the red flags that I saw during our short relationship, but chose to ignore because of my codependency and my inability to let go of the original picture of himself he painted for me…. He blurted it out accidentally when he started to tell me he went to rehab. He started telling me he went to rehab a MONTH into our relationship during a conversation I brought up about my brother who went to rehab. During our conversation he goes…yeah I ended up in rehab because of my ex wife…uhhh I mean ex girlfriend. Andrew…you told me she was your ex girlfriend. I would want to be sure they were the love of my life first. I thought it was obvious that we were married? My son has my last name doesnt he? And he gave me this explanation of how his marriage to her was just a piece of paper that he wanted to get in order for his son to have his last name…and that they never had an actual wedding ceremony. Why did I stay at that point? Confusion, maybe not wanting to believe that he flat out lied to me about being married…and I continued to feel sorry for him. About a month after we broke up I found out from his friend that Andrew actually DID have a wedding ceremony, with flowers and family and friends and everything. And that his ex wife had a ring as well. How when he met her he thought she was a gift from god but that she had changed and ruined his life. I let him talk because I felt sad for him.. And he kept telling me that she was fighting for full custody and that she had his son for five days out of the week and he only had him for two…I should have questioned why…but he always filled my head with stories about how crazy she was and how much she ruined his life and how she took his son away from him… so I always took his side…and always focused on his pain and victimization instead of actually taking his aggression and anger as a red flag. Every time I came over, he always had a drink in his hand.. I often heard his phone conversations with his mom and he would yell at her and showed constant annoyance when talking about his family. I had a conversation with my sister after she had met him and she said.. And it was our first time meeting him. He also complained the entire time during dinner about his stomach hurting. To my whole family. I always wondered why anyone would accuse him of such a thing. He agreed and told me he would buy them immediately and then never did. I knew that he didnt have any condoms in his apartment because I had asked him the first time we slept together and he said no…. He flat out lied to me. This was his SON he was talking about.. And then he would come up to me later telling me he wanted to fight his ex wife in court to get his son for more than two days out of the week…none of it made any sense. It upset me seeing how he paraded and made fun of these innocent people. I remember the night of my birthday I got really sick and he took care of me. It was painful for me to have sex with him. But I still wanted to sleep with him to feel close to him. I remember one morning I tried to sleep with him and in the middle of everything he got up and started getting dressed. I was confused and I ran out of his apartment, feeling completely embarrassed and self conscious. He was so insensitive, knowing that I had that problem. I feel as though there were SO many issues and red flags that I ignored. Anytime anything was off, he would counter his strange behaviors and negative comments with something sweet and romantic, telling me I was the best thing that ever happened to him. And all I did was blame myself whenever anything was off. All I wanted to do was take his pain away and love him. Now I understand what a con artist he was. He truly fooled me and my family. All the promises, love, marriage, moving in…. But for a man to say things like that so early on and then take them back and throw me away like a piece or garbage, telling me I was insane and just like his ex and to make a joke of me to his friends telling them to date me so that I would never try to contact him again….. If any of you have had similar experiences I would really appreciate any advice on how to move on from this situation and overcome the narcissistic abuse I endured. If you would ever like to talk, please feel free to message me as well. Lots of hugs and love, V. The part where he says he only felt love with me blah blah and not with his exes. He was jealous and abused me for SMILING at a guy. I hope all the narcissistic dirtbags rot in hell. I truly feel this planet is a battle of good and evil and in the end good will prevail. So he can enjoy his fake temporary grandeur writing on his Jack Frost Journals on Facebook. Please take comfort in the fact that you are NOT alone. I saw my N out with the new girl. I have proof if this as a little over 2 months ago he called late one night very depressed and talked of wanting to die. Note that this happened while he was in his new relationship and seeming all loved up. Things fell apart with us quickly as my fears of being taken for granted became a reality. He was a master at the phone game. Always a bigger name on the other line. It became evident that he wanted me available for him at all times but he could come and go as he pleased — especially on weekends. He had a very sad story which he told me vey soon after we met. It included military service, PTSD, anxiety, panic attacks, physical pain, divorce, another crazy baby momma, estrangement from family. I was a bit overwhelmed that he confided in me so much so soon but I also admired that he was putting his life back together. We spent days and nights together not like me , became domestic, making dinners, doing laundry together not like me. He would call regularly and we had a routine. I changed my regular schedule of working out or hanging with friends. It was like he was saying please care about me. During the first few months I and he would blame any bad behavior on his past experiences coupled with suffering from PTSD and drinking too much at times. A night on the town would go from a good time to him being angry about something or at someone to being sad and frustrated about his past experiences to the point he would be in tears. The next day it would be like nothing happened. I pulled back and began to return to MY life but before long, sometimes days or a week he would call suffering from anxiety or another panic attack. He said no one wanted to deal with the PTSD. Now I know they all tried but nothing was ever enough. He still played the sympathy card but instead of needing my emotional support, he had financial problems. He was on military disability. How could I not help someone who sacrificed four our country. He also paid child support. I understood and also mistakenly thought because of his ego and pride that it was hard for him to ask for money. Trust me, it got easier. It took me refusing a lot of additional requests for him to finally get the message. The last was just 2 months ago. I know for a fact he is just fine. I had NEVER loaned money to anyone EVER. I wanted to see how far he would go. He took the money anyway. All the time telling me not to worry. That HE was my security. HE would take care of me if I lost my job or something. He actually told me once that he wanted me to be dependent on him. It was like whatever I was he wanted me to be the opposite. I was independent, he wanted dependent. When he no longer wanted me emotionally, he wanted my money. It was like he wanted my life. Quite the switch from his former attitude. Six months ago I started researching on line trying to understand PTSD and someone pointed me to NPD. I saw a therapist to get my mind back on track an to reinforce the need to not have contact with this person any longer. I have no doubts about what type of person I was dealing with and know what I experienced with him. His treatment of me was text book. I am a strong person and very self-sufficient and have been basically my whole life. I have great friends. In relationships I was always a bit guarded and weary of being taken advantage of or taken for granted. Maybe this new person will be able to give him what he needs, the way he needs it and he can feel normal for awhile. His life is as fragile as a house of cards and it always comes down because he depends on others to build it and well, people are people with their own lives and their own needs. Many of these are common among many men not just narcissists. Has anyone had any experience with women that are narcissists? From what I have seen, one of the common threads between male and female narcissists seems to be rage and abuse. A need to demean those around them to maintain inflated sense of self worth. It is worrisome that the public perception seems to be that Narcissists are primarily male. This can really leave innocent people vulnerable to being horrifically emotionally abused. My hope is that as more people, like Andrea, write about this to expose this abuse for what it is, we will see much more being written on the many facets of Narcissistic abuse. But I can tell you first hand there are female Narcissists out there and they are capable of causing just as much destruction as male Narcissists. And perhaps because public perception is that most Narcissists are male, female Narcissists are in a position to do an incredible amount of damage to the people they harm. She exists… she left 4 years ago without even apologizing for her actions after screwing my future supervisor at the time and til this day Im still left wondering if it was my fault. Then I found out she was married. June 12th, 2014 at 4:36 PM I have not read this thread. She tortured me every day and When I was 17 she came after me with a carving knife because I disappointed her—but no one at school would help me or believe me because she was so charming and attractive. For twenty years I slept with a baseball bat under my bed and to this day I cannot sleep without drugs. Finally at forty years old I found a highly trained psychiatrist who spent years wiping my hard drive clean of my mothers influence and then reprogramming me. Psychologists I tried before him just looked at me, puzzled with no idea at all of just how damaging a person like that can be. Thank god I was delivered from my misery. My mother passed away three years ago and for the first time in my life I felt like I could breathe clean air. I hope she is rotting in hell. I am looking for a therapist in Texas near Houston or Austin who specializes in NPD abuse and. Does anyone know of one, or a resource listing people who understand NPD? Good stuff he does therapy over Skype… This guy knows his stuff. It has been the worst experience of my life. So many ups and downs… The verbal abuse and lies. He has lied to me so many times about him seeing other woman. But I finally think that he is really having sex with someone. I think he just keeps me around for a fix. I thing he realizes I see him for who he is and he is not getting the supply he wants from me. He has called and left me so many nasty voicemails. Those are his attempts of him trying to control me and my emotions. I think I am co-dependent but have been doing a lot to change that. I never want to let someone like this in my life again. I am just happy to know I am not alone in this. Thank you everyone for sharing! I am doing my best to keep boundaries between me and the narc. How could I of fallen in love with someone sooo hateful? Well he was not hateful at first he was really nice. I myself know what your going through. One day he was trying to get me pregnant and want to move in with me and wanting to be with be me and the very next day he turned around and met someone else with a quickness he dropped me and wanted to be friends! I have my life together with a good job and I own my own home and etc.. Hang in there it will get easier!! I have no contact with him for a whole week now but reading these blogs really helps!!! It makes me feel a lot better to know I am not alone. My narc keeps texting me nasty things about me…. I have not responded…. I need to just not respond. Not give him his fix and power over me. He comes from a narcissistic family. I wish I new then what I know now. He has deliberately thrown me under the bus with her! Wondering why she was upset. Talk about feeling confused. Now things make sense. Same thing with me! I am so happy to finally be breaking free and accepting that this has all been a massive lie but, oh my goodness, it is going to take me a while to get myself back up. He took me for everything. Not all swagger around showing arrogance, some are smart enough to have tamed this after learning that their Narc mothers arrogance is seen as a negative trait which gives the game away. I am trying to get out of a 6 yr relationship with my narc wife. She has cheated on me and periodically emails one of the ones she cheated on me with. I have seen the proof but she denies it saying someone else had to of done it…. She makes me feel like a piece of crap for mentioning it or letting her know how I feel in general. Her kids are so disrespectful and get away with a lot yet my kids get griped about. I have four kids of my own as well so it makes it harder to just leave. There is the lying, manipulation, blaming, shaming, empty future, etc. It seems like sublet cruelty for no reason, other than to feed his ego. Which is more accurate? Either way, I need to leave. There has been some vital research on the link between Narcissists and some form of addiction.. Any form of substance abuse. If you are reading this and are convinced that you are in a relationship with a narcissist, my advice is to leave and terminate all contact immediately. You are in relationship based on lies, infidelity, and you are in psychological danger. Their behavior is like a swarm of roaches, for every one lie in the light, there are thousands that you cannot see, because they are expert manipulators and you want to see the good in the person. Also, you can insist on counseling. If there immediate dismissal, try saying that he or she is incompetent in the relationship. A normal person will look to find blame in themselves or both of you. Chances are, you will never know the details. If you are with a narcissist, you probably already know you are. Narcissists are excellent actors. They will often act like codependents because they know you inside and out. You must confront harshly to inflict the narcissistic injury. If you are feeling very brave, admit to a fake affair. If the person immediately admits to their own affair, you know the answer. Narcissists go after married people and people coming out of relationships. They we are perfect prey. Get out and do no contact. If you have kids, do not separate. Get an attorney and go for the jugular. You will be the subject of lies and deciet. You just land the first deviating punch. Get your kids and get out. Read human magnet syndrome and set boundaries. I am convinced it is narcissism, as I can drink my share but not act this way. Either way, something is seriously wrong. The lies, manipulation, blame and shame, etc. Moving to another town is not an option, as my daughter needs my residency to be enrolled in her school. He refuses to leave, because he is on the lease! His mom is a very stern abusive Asian woman and his dad was a narcissist as well. It was wonderful in the beginning. He told me he was everything that I was and believed in. I found out it was all a lie. He lies about everything, big and small. He was even married to a woman for 7 years before me and when I questioned him about who she was, he lied and said it was his cousin. We have been married for four years and it has been horrible. He says things to me that put me down. Like I am fat, lazy, an ingrate, who would want me after him and much worse. Everything I do is wrong. He thinks he is expert on everything, including childbirth. Very much a God complex. Never apologizes for anything or takes responsibility. He is addicted to porn and takes risks making bad decisions. After he belittles me and screams at me, three hours later he acts as if nothing even happened. He manipulates me until I back down. He controls every aspect of our lives. I have a child with him who I want to protect from him and his narcissism. I am his third wife and recently filed for divorce. I am afraid because he told me if I try to take money from our business that we built together, he will bury me and make sure I live on skids row. I am really tired and afraid. He has beaten me into the ground so much verbally and even hurt me physically before that it is hard not to feel exhausted. Ive been married 15yrs and have a son with my husband. And walked off and left me and our son when he wz a baby. We had no phone, water, cable, car, money or food and he was living with a girl who had no idea he was married. He came running back and eventually I took him back which has been the biggest mistake of my life. However, he made every promise imaginable and I had no where to go anyway. That was 8yrs ago. Before I met him I had my own home paid for, my car paid for, bills paid, and excellent credit. In front of our son. Plz tell me u have some advice about how I should go about leaving. He gambled so much away too its pathetic. So what do I do and how should I go about it? Anybodys advice would be great! It helps to validate that none of us deserve the treatment we have gotten. It truly is an illness and there is no hope for the victim. The Narc will use you up and spit you out. I am at the stage of wondering if I will hear from him again. I know I should NOT have any more contact with him, but I am still not past missing him. Thanks to everyone that is giving me the strength to keep away. I believe everything in life is a gift or a lesson to be learnt. You must remember its not the person you loved it was the idea of having that kind of love with someone. I to lost apart of myself in a what I see now fake relationship. Love can be blinding but if you look back and really be honest you can see how we tend to let it go on because we needed it at that time. I choose to look at him as a pool boy. His way of thinking is a collection of loyal girls all over the place who he can revisit when it suits him with no strings attached. I wish you love and joy with your healing. You are stronger than you know and no this kind of relationship is not normal. True love will find you. I am aware that her family life had been abusive as a child and that she was used to the abuse. Probably so used to it that she felt uncomfortable without it. This was a burden upon our relationship as I was hoping I could be the one to show her a new light in positivity from the way that I keep myself positive and happy with myself. It really hurt me for quite awhile that I had to leave her as well as the abuse that she had shown towards me. I am hoping that she can seek a way out of this suppressed anger on her own and find a way to make her self happy on her own. You have to learn to love yourself before you can truly love someone else. Sometimes it is seemingly impossible. I ended up writing a song to relieve the pain I had gone through. I know there is someone else out there that will accept my love purely. Sometimes you have to walk away even though you love that person with the fullness of your heart and soul. But, you also have to care for yourself. Writing this song helped me get through the pain I had experienced and helped me grow positive from the situation. Prove your love and others will eventually love you more purely.. There is someone out there that will.

The Narcissist and the Empath: Tana, Shane and #Failcon
Lewis Peakes says March 22, 2014 Just reading this is reminding me of the bad times and it exhausts me to think of it. This is a NIGHTMARE!!. They only pretend to be glad. Me: I got hurt too. Jim Jones Koolaid Sometimes its not even being beta, rather its related to relationships you had growing up, where you expected to be abused, or such things. You must keep an outside frame of reference The female narcissist attempts to cut off the solo from people who offer an outside frame of reference. Other than that, she seems perfect to you. I am persuaded we should give love, kindness and never give up. Let me help you with some more information and coaching: here is an article that helps you And another prime you know you. It is almost a worship, and they make themselves seem worthy of it.